Journal #5: This is Not a Good Blog Post

12/11/24

I've got three or four drafts I'm working on right now, and yet I'm not sure what to write here.

I guess that's part of the problem. I keep jumping into ideas for blog posts, spend an hour or two churning them out, then getting bored and dropping them halfway through.

Starting this blog has already brought a ton of benefits to my mental health, and I've only really been at it in earnest for two or three weeks. I'm writing more than I have in years. As soon as I think of something I want to write about, I come up with three more things in the process of writing about the first thing. So then I open a new document, start a new draft, and the cycle repeats.

I think in general I have so much going on in my head but I keep trying to force it into very specific outlets. I'm trying to channel all this mental noise into very neat and proper essays. Which is all well and good—it certainly gives me something to do, and I need the mental stimulation—but I think in trying to capitalize on my newfound excitement, I've overlooked the emotional and personal aspects that motivated me to start this blog in the first place.

I didn't put this blog together to churn out content. I did it to have fun. I did it to give myself a structured, orderly, and healthy outlet. I did it in order to share my genuine thoughts and feelings.

But in reminding myself of the emotional impetus behind this blog, I'm now considering where the line is between authenticity and privacy.

One of the privacy barriers I've constructed is giving each of my current drafts a thesis, or at the very least some sort of theme. But confining myself to a rhetorical box means I can no longer afford to go "out of bounds". Whenever my thoughts begin to move on to something new, I stop and isolate the new topic in a separate draft. And now I've got all sorts of drafts lying about!

Another thing I've noticed is I'm trying to be efficient and economic with my writing. I actually first noticed it about five seconds ago while I was typing the paragraph above this one. I'm trying to moderate myself while simultaneously pushing myself to be as authentic as possible. I feel like I'm going on a tangent or senseless ramble. But when I think of slowing down, I worry I haven't padded this draft out with enough content.

It's like I'm turning my brain inside out hoping to shake loose a twenty dollar bill only to find spare change, then get pissed it only adds up to a couple bucks.

And who the hell am I trying to impress, anyway? Hardly anyone reads this blog to begin with. I've started checking my analytics which is a bad sign. I'm tempted to turn them off entirely, but I like numbers too much to do that lol.

The dilemma isn't so much that I have to decide between turning this blog into some garden of personal insight and reflection, or letting my thoughts grow wild and unkempt like some haphazard, vibrant tangle of wildflowers and underbrush decorated in plastic sheet prayer flags on the shoulder of the interstate.¹

The bitch of it all is letting both of those things to coexist. Because really, it's the two sides of my mind that I'm working with here. That's where's the rub.

Sometimes I am organized and productive and proficient. Other times I'm just barely able to manage anything more than senseless keysmashing. Maybe in continuing to work on this blog I can discover some sort of harmony between those two states of being, and learn how they influence one another.

✘ Posted on — 12/11/24
✘ Last modified — 8 months, 1 week

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