Journal #7: Relearning how to have fun
I've decided to take a break from social media for a few days. I got caught in a bad anxiety/depression/doom spiral this week. I wasn't that successful today, but I'm hopeful for tomorrow.
Two pieces of news really got to me this week: the Oversight committee vote and the passage of the NDAA spending package.
The NDAA was a bipartisan bill that Speaker Johnson injected with an anti-trans provision last minute. It passed in the House, went to the Senate, and passed there as well.
The provision banned healthcare for trans minors on military medical insurance. Out of the 37 Democrats that voted for the bill, 2 were from IL; senators Duckworth and Durbin. I had hoped that I wouldn't see their names on the list, given Illinois' track record for trans rights and protections. It's scary to think about what other "concessions" legislators will make as Republicans continue poisoning bills with anti-trans amendments.
As of today, December 19th, word on the street is that House Democrats are refusing to bail out the Republicans who tanked the previously agreed-upon budget that would have spared us another government shutdown. Perhaps they will exhibit similar demonstrations of obstruction should more dangerous and far-reaching anti-trans legislation be brought to the floor. In any case, it's a scary prospect to have to speculate how much ground our representatives will give up.
Bearing all this in mind, I decided to test out my optimism project by looking up positive trans news.
After a brief browse online, I found the Gender Liberation Collective. Some of their more far-left statements, etc, made me roll my neoliberal (non-derogatory) eyes, but overall I really appreciated the sentiment and energy. There are several articles and links to different events they've held.
In the process of "coming out" again, I've brought up a lot of deeply buried feelings re: my trans identity, including shame, fear, internalized transphobia, and bouts of dysphoria. I think spending time reconnecting with this side of myself and diving back into the trans community, history, etc that I once cherished as a youth will really help overall.
In any case, I'll be writing up a post dedicated to this news, as well as the Gender Lib movement, as an official kickoff to my optimism project page. I might even make special CSS for it.
As for as my break from social media, I'm going to spend time getting back into writing and drawing again, as well as continuing to work on this blog and maybe even finish up some of the drafts I have lying around.
I've done a lot of work on my about page making custom headers that match my new blog banner logo. I've also added some to my navigation page. I'll continue making more for the rest of my blog and eventually do the same on my art/writing pages. I also made empty pages for my optimism project and a changelog to document site updates.
It occurred to me earlier today while talking to my wife that I haven't played video games in months, really.
'Tis the season—Steam just started their annual holiday sale. I picked up Kynseed for half off, so I'll be playing some of that tonight and tomorrow while I'm off. I also plan on making a new loaf of bread and fresh batch of cookies.
I think, overall, I need to relearn how to have fun. My wife and I spoke over the phone today about how neither of us have had just plain old fun in awhile. For myself, I've either been in school, busy moving, tending to the new house, cramming for finals, subsequently failing one of my classes, etc etc etc.
I think I've actually forgotten how to have fun. Tonight I went up to my Dad's to watch Saturday Night (2024) with him. That was fun. I can't remember the last time I watched a movie that wasn't the Star Wars sequels, let alone a new movie (watching We Live in a Time with my wife doesn't count, lol).
Even now, writing this post. This is fun. Or, if not fun, it's emotionally cathartic in a way I desperately needed. But before this I spent almost an hour and a half hurriedly designing the aforementioned headers for my about page, etc. And what for? It was almost a compulsion. It wasn't fun anymore—I was just trying to be productive and maximize my time. As if many people are reading this blog lol, or even looking through different pages of it.
It's just silly. I'm caving under pressure I put on myself. It's time to chill out and relax.
With that, I'm gonna sign off and play video games now. I'll let everyone know how Kynseed is.
Take care!
P.S. — Something else cool that I forgot to mention is that I tried tofu last night and I didn't flare! It was super exciting. Today I bought some Impossible sausage patties and I didn't flare from them either. Being able to get back into soy-based meat alternatives is so exciting and such a relief! 🥳
✘ Posted on — 12/20/24
✘ Last modified — 8 months ago
✘ Link — https://blog.xavierhm.com/journal-7-relearning-how-to-have-fun