Journal #9: A lesson in navigating nostalgia—or, how I learned to watch Adventure Time again
Earlier today I spoke to my wife about how sad I've been recently.
Part of that sadness is kind of odd. As a result of the general state of the world I've been wanting to get back into the things that make me happy. This includes writing1, art, video games, etc.
I've also wanted to watch more TV. Normally I don't watch much, but I'm trying to be more conscious in giving myself time to relax and turn my brain off.
My two favorite shows are South Park and Adventure Time. Adventure Time in particular holds a special place in my heart. I've loved the show since its initial release. My post-adolescence coincided along Finn's, and I saw myself in him. The show's references to video games and fantasy informed my own interests. The sense of humor defined my own. The art style is charming, bright, and fun, yet rife with a vast visual lexicon and cheeky Easter eggs. Stories range from silly hijinks (Rainy Day Daydream) to existential reflections (The Mountain).
Most importantly, the philosophy underneath the show, and the journey of Finn's character from a boy into a young man, carries a lot of emotional weight. There are several episodes I like to rewatch whenever I'm feeling low—most, if not all of them, are one-off side stories.
I was extremely depressed during high school. One summer I decided to watch Adventure Time all the way through from start to finish (at this point it was probably around season 7 or so) in an effort to stave off the worst of my depression.
I always remember the show in the context of that summer. It helped cheer me up a lot. At that age I was still hopeful for the future. I knew that if I could just make it through to the end of high school I'd be okay. And I was.
I've wanted to watch Adventure Time a lot the past couple months but I haven't been able to, because whenever I think about it I'm reminded of that summer and the faith I put into the world and my future self. I think about how simpler the world was. I was still playing Pokemon on my 3DS, staying up late on Tumblr, and riding my bike around town.
In hindsight, though, I'm not sure the world was that simple. I think my world was smaller, but that made it no less complex. I was actively self-harming and passively suicidal. Sometimes I'd get stuck starving myself. I had hardly any friends at school and woke up with dread each day. I was also stuck in the closet, struggling with gender dysphoria in silence.
As an adult now my world is a lot bigger, and I can see how other worlds affect it. It isn't just my world I have to keep track of, but the worlds of my family and friends, which directly overlap with my own; the worlds of strangers, which intersect with mine every time I leave the house; and the worlds of politics and culture, which currently feel hostile and frightening.
I recently wrote an argument for remaining hopeful, where I asked:
What is the world, if not the sum of 7 billion individual worlds?
I guess I've realized that my world is not a static thing either. It isn't a viewport through which I spectate my own existence, but rather the sum of specific points in time that have lead me to the present moment.
Each point in time is recursive in that they all influence the next. When I watch Adventure Time, I'm stepping back into the world of my younger self. I'm revisiting the hopes and dreams I once held with the knowledge that many of them did not pan out.
But there's a lot of goals I was able to accomplish, and things I have that I am incredibly grateful for—all of which I couldn't have fathomed aspiring for, let alone achieving.
It's easy to look back with nostalgia and remorse. But I don't want that to dictate how I live in the present, how I view the past, or how I anticipate the future.
Inside of me is a scared, hurting 16 year old boy. I've realized that the sadness I've been feeling isn't necessarily directed at the world itself. Rather, I am sad on behalf of the boy inside of me. I am sad that he hasn't been able to grow up into the world he wanted. I guess the next step is spending more time with him and seeing where that takes me.
Anyway, I watched Adventure Time today. I picked Hall of Egress, one of my favorite episodes. I felt it was particularly fitting given everything I'm working through.
Cartoon Network posted it on Youtube in its entirety. There's also a really great analysis by the best AT Youtuber, Uncivilized Elk. I hope the episode brings you as much joy as it did for me.
✘ Posted on — 01/23/25
✘ Last modified — 6 months, 4 weeks ago
✘ Link — https://blog.xavierhm.com/journal-9-a-lesson-in-navigating-nostalgia
Footnotes
I've since started to develop some original fiction ideas, which I will eventually share on my writing blog↩