today was a good gender day
Today's been a good "gender day". By that I mean I feel like a real man.
I've been on testosterone for 5 years. Imposter syndrome never goes away completely, but I'm having days like this more and more.
I keep catching myself off-guard, staring at my reflection mesmerized by the man looking back at me: the bold latitude of my brow bone, the square corners of my jaw, my beard and mustache growing thicker by the day. I look less like I'm thirteen and more like I'm thirty; I've never been more relieved to be visibly aging.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror as a kid. Just one glance at my reflection would bring immeasurable pain. I avoided looking at myself as often as I could. Nowadays I look at myself and it's like all that pain washes away. No matter how bad of a day I'm having, at least I can spend it as a man.